I wanted to be something I wasn't

I draw my inspiration from two sources for this entry.  I look back at my 2010 year of working for CNN and I watched "Wall Street" on SundanceTV a couple of days ago.  It was my dream to be something bigger than an Editor/Producer for CNN and its family of networks as early as 2009.  It mushroomed into something of an obsession in 2010 and started to fade away the following year.

I looked up to someone who was both an assignment editor and a Tech junkie.  I wanted to be like him.  We are both San Diego Chargers fans, so I figure that's a good place to start having something in common with someone.

I attended as many Tech Tuesdays as I could and I soaked up as much tech knowledge as I could in the remaining years in my CNN tenure.  I read as much news online, in newspapers, and in e-mail as well as went all in on watching CNN as I could in my spare time, and even when I was at work I watched as much news as I could.

In short, I wanted to transition from being a video editor to an assignment editor on the CNN National Desk.

The things that I learned throughout my 2010 and 2011 years at CNN were I didn't handle pressure or yelling very well.  I got down on myself or defensive when I faced criticism.  I didn't push myself hard enough to get a job on the CNN National Desk.  I was not persistent enough to fight for myself.

As a matter of fact, I made a weak effort in wanting to work as a fill-in on the CNN National/Affiliate Desk late in 2011.  The leader of that department said that they were already short staffed and that they didn't have the time or resources to integrate me in or train me to do the job.  Maybe they didn't want me to be there in the first place.

I wanted to be something better than I was.  I wanted to be someone that I wasn't.  I won't use any real names in this situation.

I go back to "Wall Street" once again for my example.  To paraphrase:  'I wanted to be Gordon Gekko, but I'm just Bud Fox.'  I wanted to be like my hero, but I'm Zach Irwin.  I'll always be Zach Irwin.  That will never change.  I have to better to be something good for my family going forward.  I'll always strive to get there.

Until I get there, the work on me by me continues.